Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Baker Signs Law: Jeremy Renner to Appear in All Future Boston Movies


BOSTON - Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker signed into law the Commonwealth's newest piece of Hollywood legislation: Jeremy Renner must now be featured in every Boston-related feature length production.

"We did it!" Baker exclaimed to loud applause at the State House this afternoon. "No more will Boston movies need to suffer the indignity of a Jeremy Renner-less cast."

The law continues the flirtation between Boston and the Hollywood big screen, which has featured such notable titles as "The Departed," "Gone Baby Gone" and Renner's own "The Town."

"Think about how awesome 'Good Will Hunting' would have been with Renner," the Governor continued. "Or Mystic River. Or, what was that one with Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon? Terrible film."

"Fever Pitch!" yelled one of Baker's aides.

Speaker Robert DeLeo applauded the Governor's enactment, lauding it as a non-partisan triumph for the state. "I'll never understand why Damon and Affleck were just grandfathered into those Boston roles. I'm pleased that the Governor has the foresight to say 'We can do better.'"

Baker is not sure if or how Renner will be featured in the upcoming Johnny Depp film "Black Mass," which tells the story of notorious Boston gangster James "Whitey" Bulger.

"He wasn't in the original cast," Baker said, "but maybe with some creative editing we can make it happen. Frankly, I think he can play multiple roles in the movie. He's that talented."