Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Local Virgin Explains Why Spacetime Continuum Wasn't Interrupted When Young Biff Met Old Biff

CAMBRIDGE - There is one scene in the second installment of the Back to the Future series that appears to be a major plot hole: when Old Biff meets Young Biff to deliver the sports almanac in 1955, the spacetime continuum should have been interrupted leading to the destruction of the entire universe (or at the very least, the two should have fainted).

The interaction between the two has long been held to be the lone blemish on an otherwise harmonious trilogy, according to fans. A blemish that for many, taints the films that were once heralded as triumphantly groundbreaking. Tainted that is, until now.

Local virgin Brecken Phillips - a Back to the Future fanboy from Cambridge - not only has a cohesive theory as to why the time paradox may not have occurred, sources have also confirmed that he has indeed never touched a woman in his life.

"He's what - 25, right?" said his friend Albert Christian. "The closest he's come to parking his yacht in some lady's harbor is accidentally brushing the cashier's sandbag while reaching for a slim-jim."

Others close to Phillips don't need such euphemisms to describe the science fiction fan's love life. Said Brecken's mother Rebecca, "He's just never been that interested in girls. I bought him a box of condoms when he went away to college. He asked what they were."

The virgin may be utterly hopeless when it comes to interacting with the fairer sex, but his theories on the fabric of spacetime have garnered the respect of Back to the Future zealots of a multitude of generations.

"Doc Brown indicates that he foresees two potential outcomes when an individual encounters their future self," explains Phillips. "But even he allows that the destruction he predicts in such an instance may in fact be entirely localized to our galaxy. That massive variance in potential outcomes is as much an indication to me that the Doctor may have been mistaken in his calculations. Lord knows it wouldn't have been the first time Doc Brown erred in judgment."

Despite his mastery of the data, Phillips' mother Rebecca wishes he'd take up another hobby, like singing or dancing.

To quote Marty McFly, "If there's no music, they can't dance. If they can't dance, they can't kiss."