Monday, August 3, 2015

Sadistic Dental-Hygienist Cannot Wait to See James Taylor at Fenway

WAKEFIELD - Local dental hygienist Carol Ossenweilder is totally stoked for this week's James Taylor concert at Fenway park, she confirmed while inflicting torturous pain to a patient on Monday.

"My husband and I have been huge fans of his for so long," Ossenweilder said. "When we heard he was coming to Fenway, we just had to get tickets. They were pretty expensive, but this is just a once-in-a-lifetime thing, you know?"

The 38 year-old woman, whose job includes shoving sharp, intrusive metal objects into people's mouths until they bleed, celebrates the folk-singer's entire collection of music. "I even love his Christmas album," she said.

"That woman is a menace," said patient James Candini. "That sign on the door out there that says 'Experts in Healthy Smiles' is a fucking joke. She was working me over for a good 45 minutes until I just blacked out."

Ossenweilder's "Closet of Horrors" as Candini calls it, includes several drills of various sizes, a metal clamp and various small stainless steel lances. "I think at one point I saw something that looked like a wheel pizza-cutter," said Candini. "I have no idea how she'd use it, but I'm sure it fits right in with the rest of her medieval tactics."

After a long-week of tormenting her patients with agonizing trials of misery, Ossenweilder is looking forward to unwinding with the 67 year-old crooner. "I really like when he plays the stripped down songs, just him and the guitar. That really takes me away."